If anyone has been following along with my 365 project documenting life with my daughter (via facebook: www.facebook.com/jadesphotos or a few scattered photos on Instagram www.instagram.com/jadesphotos) you will see so many different moments. Some funny, some cute, some pretty real. The photos a day are great and I love how it forces me to document real moments in my life. But still, these are only a few moments people are seeing.
You aren’t seeing the tears when I’m holding a sick, lifeless baby in my arms that hasn’t eaten for days. Wondering if she’s going to be ok. Trying to soothe her when she is screaming because she doesn’t want to throw up anymore. The puke in my hair, all over me. The sheer exhaustion. You don’t see the sleepless teething nights where nothing calms her. Where I just want more than a few hours of sleep in a row. You don’t see the 4am wake ups, the nap struggles, the giving up on the idea that I’m going to get a moments break. The crying car rides stuck in traffic. The frustration. When I want to lose my shit and yell at her for not listening but instead take a deep breath and pick her up one more time and give her a hug.
But what you also don’t see is my heart exploding every day. When she throws her chubby arms around my neck, hugs me and and says “momma”. You don’t see her eyes shining with excitement when I pick her up from daycare, her excited screams to see me. Her warm body snuggling into mine in bed every morning. Curling up on my lap handing me a book to read her. Or burying her face into mine wanting to get as physically close to me as she possibly can. Trying every single one of her tricks just to make me laugh. Her pride when she says a new word or takes a few steps by herself. The way she looks at me to gauge my reaction to everything before she reacts. The adorableness when she gives me a big slobbery kiss. Or holds my hand at the park, gripping onto my fingers with her tiny little ones. Sometimes it’s too much love to handle and I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams.
This journey certainly hasn’t been easy. In fact it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do day after day after day. There is no break, the struggle never ends. There are days when I would give anything just to watch a movie uninterrupted. To go to bed later than 9pm knowing I won’t be woken up in the middle of the night. To just have one day where my house stays clean for more than an hour and I won’t step on food scattered all over the kitchen floor. But then more than often there are days when I want to freeze time and not let her grow a single day older. She couldn’t possibly love me any more than she loves me now, and she sure can’t get any cuter than this (ok well maybe she can….). So I’m trying to enjoy it all and tell myself that these sleepless nights and early mornings won’t last forever. And I will one day get to go to the bathroom by myself…right?!